Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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