I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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