Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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