new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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