I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
