Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
