I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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