i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
