u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
