Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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