Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
