please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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