I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
