I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
