I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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