apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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