but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
