My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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