So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
