If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
