can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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