the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Even my vagina gasped.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
