I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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