just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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