if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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