He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
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Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
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If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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