dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
