why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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