Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
