And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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