ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
