You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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