I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
