this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
