Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
