Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
