Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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