Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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