3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
