I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
