I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
