There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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