If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
