she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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