good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
