I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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