yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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