Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
