What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
