my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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