My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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