then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
