ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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