Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
