Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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