im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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